spankedbyspike: (SbS)
[personal profile] spankedbyspike
I was . . . certainly a broken soul as much as a broken man when the Mark of Cain was trusted upon myself.

I am . . . not ashamed of where my priorities lie... with Sammy, with Castiel, with those we saved along the way.

I think . . . that if my father was alive today, his brand of discipline would have helped me, more than alcohol, more than nightly hookups, more than the self-pity I am drowning in. It would have given me an outlet for the rage of not completing a task, saving a life, screwing up a world that really didn't need it to, and giving me the forgiveness no one takes the time to bestow on me nowadays.

I wonder . . . if today will be the day I'll stop caring. The day the revenge that I deserve to get and the exhaustion of seeing how greedy, corrupt and self-serving some people are, will be the one where I will fully embrace Cain, reach into my teaching into the hands of Alastair and start a reign of terror, right here, under everyone's feet.

I wish . . . that I had more time to figure out how to stop Sammy from leaving for Stanford. I wish that my parents never met Azazel. I wish that Ellen and Jo, Bobby and Pastor Jim, Lisa and Ben and so many more could see a universe that thanked them for the kindness they brought to it and yes to me.

I save . . . my thoughts under stupid puns, many beers and sometimes even gluttony; I wouldn't want Sam to know them and to realize how close to the surface they are, and how easily they are underlined by powerful emotions. Something to hide under any circumstance...

I always . . . will put Sam first, he may hate it, despise me for it, vent by telling me enough hurtful things to fill a bucket in Hell and still I will always put his well being first.

I can't imagine . . . a world without him, without his ever-present bulk in the car, the hotel, the bunker...

I believe . . . mistakes were made, hopes were raised and ultimately I was just a part of a not so well-oiled machine. One that impose on our world a Faith like determination, keeping all humans as the peons they are, playing their part, barely making a dent in this cosmos Added to neither the naughty nor the nice llist, but being played at all times by higher powers, lower demons...

I promise . . . to always be true to myself, to the boy that tried so hard to emulate John Winchester, hunter extraordinaire; the man willing to emulate Sam, exceptional researcher and sole family member, and even Castiel, otherworldly empath that adopted us and always showed me a better way.

I love . . . with fear, with worries, with doubt and in silence; too afraid that someone will rip it apart, will destroy my little heart, will trample the things and people I hold dear. In secret, and from afar.

Based on a meme with the original prompt of "I" that you have to complete in the spirit of an SPN Character of your choice at spn_spankings
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